Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
