I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
