Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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