he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize