I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize