I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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