No, drunk sperm still make babies.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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