Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
