don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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