Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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