look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
