Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
