I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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