Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
