take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
