Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
