A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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