I looked at my own cervix.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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