Banned from zoo.
Again?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
