The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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