Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
