I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
