drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
