I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize