Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
high people should be assigned attendants
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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