I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
