AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
