even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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