Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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