peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
