2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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