I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
