so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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