So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
