He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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