there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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