just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I hope mine doesn't look like that
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
