So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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