I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
