I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
