I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
