everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
