woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
