stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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