Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
