you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
