my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
