4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
