How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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