I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
