he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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