I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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