I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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