Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
