alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
