It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
