I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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