Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
