and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize