You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
