im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
