I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
