i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
