I love black thongs
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
