I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
