I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
