Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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