And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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